604

The following conversation took place tonight between President Bush and the Official White House Nanny, just after the president's speech to the nation on Iraq.

Nanny: Wonderful speech, Georgie. You're smirking much less now.

POTUS: Thanks. I'm tryin'. But when I talk about spreadin' freedom, I just can't help myself.

Nanny: I know. But I think we need to talk about something else. Do you know what a non sequitur is?

POTUS: Got somethin' to do with gays, right?

Nanny: No, dear. A non sequitur is when you reach a conclusion that doesn't logically follow from your premises.

POTUS: Well, I'm the damn president. I don't need premises. I kin make up my own if I want to.

Nanny: No, Georgie, you can't — especially when you're trying to justify sending Americans off to war. People are going to say that your speech tonight was one big non sequitur.

POTUS: That's ridiculous. What does Iraq have to do with gays?

Nanny: You said the war in Iraq is part of the war on terrorism. And the war on terrorism started on 9/11.

POTUS: If that's what was on the teleprompter, that's what I said.

Nanny: But Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11. That's the non sequitur.

POTUS: I'm gonna have a pretzel. Want one?

Nanny: No, Georgie, and neither do you. You're not going to pull that old trick on me again.

POTUS: Ok, look. After 9/11, we invaded Afghanistan. That's where the terrorists' training camps were. And they were protected by the Afghan government, the Taliban. So we took 'em out.

Nanny: That's right, Georgie. And then...

POTUS: And then we invaded Iraq. To fight the terrorists.

Nanny: Were there terrorists in Iraq when we invaded? Terrorists who threatened us like the 9/11 terrorists?

POTUS: No. But they're there now.

Nanny: After we invaded...

POTUS: Damn right. Place is crawlin' with terrorists now. Gotta git 'em all. Send 'em to Gitmo.

Nanny: Georgie, dear, you're not thinking of invading any other countries, are you? There are no other governments that are harboring terrorists who want to harm us, so –

POTUS: How do you know? We won't know if there are terrorists in other countries until we invade 'em, just like in Iraq. In fact, we're plannin' the next invasion right now. Now don't tell anyone — especially those Downing Street bigmouths — but next time we're gonna invade –

Nanny: Stop. Please. I don't want to know. Georgie...why don't you have a pretzel?

Posted on 06/28/05 by Deep Post | Link | Comments?

America has always represented the best in everything — the best people, the best culture, the best government, the best economy, the best technology. We are the ideal. We are what other countries aspire to.

Yes, lately we have taken some heat, and rightly so, for abuses perpetrated by a few aberrant individuals in Abu Ghraib and other places. And a handful of malcontents have even questioned our motives for invading Iraq. But overall, the world knows that America always acts according to the absolute highest moral standards and with the most noble of intentions.

And that is why what I read today shocked me.

An international Pew poll found that in many countries we consider our friends — France, Spain, Holland, and even Britain, for God's sakes — more people have a favorable opinion of China than they do of America. Red China, as they called it back in my day.

And our good friends, the Canadians, seem to think that Americans are "rude, greedy, and violent," and not entirely honest.

This is not the America I believe in. Why can't these people see us for what we are?

Posted on 06/24/05 by Jim Anderson | Link | Comments?

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press..."

Freedom of speech — it is the centerpiece of the great American experiment. And it is the accomplishment of which I am most proud.

That is, until I hear speech such as this:

Let me tell you something, folks, if we are hit again [by terrorists], if we are hit again, we need to hold these people in our country who are undermining our efforts responsible...

You want some names: Leahy, Biden, Durbin, Boxer, Kennedy, Reid, Newsweek, Time, The New York Times, Amnesty International. If we get hit again, these are the names of the people and organizations we need to look at when we're trying to find out why and how it happened.

Had this Rush Limbaugh been around back in the '80s (excuse me, I refer to the seventeen 80s), prattling nonsense such as this to vast segments of the population — well, quite possibly, the First Amendment might read very differently than it does today.

Posted on 06/21/05 by James Madison | Link | Comments?

Out in the furthest reaches of the dark universe, or perhaps in another dimension entirely, there is a planet much like our own. The planet is home to a mighty kingdom, and life is good for the wealthy inhabitants.

But there are whispers in the kingdom that the ruler is mad. His speech is often vague, even nonsensical. And sometimes when speaking on the most serious of matters, he does so with a curious grin that is more fitting of a simpleton than a king. But the good-natured people of the kingdom ignore these troubling thoughts as best they can. He is their king.

When an unknown enemy launched a surprise attack on the kingdom years before, killing three thousand innocents, the king vowed revenge. He kept his word. He sent his armies to the other side of the planet to attack a tiny realm ruled by an evil tyrant. The king said this tyrant was responsible for the cowardly attack upon the kingdom. The people cheered.

But as time went on, no proof was ever found that the evil tyrant was behind the attack on the kingdom. At first this was spoken of only in whispers. But after a few brave souls spoke openly, others began to find the courage to speak out.

Finally, the king agreed that the evil tyrant had nothing to do with the attack upon the kingdom. But then, grinning that simpleton's grin, the king said the true reason he invaded the tiny realm was to rid the world of the evil tyrant who ruled there, and to spread liberty to that wretched land. The people cheered.

But some in the kingdom became worried. At the beginning of the war, the king promised that the people of the tiny realm would greet his armies with flowers. So why were they tossing bombs instead? And didn't the king say that major combat operations in the war against the tiny realm were over? So why are the king's armies still launching major combat operations two years later? And just last month, didn't the king's top regent say that the resistance was in its last throes? So why is news from the war so full of blood and death?

Then one of the kingdom's governors, who is a member of the king's own family, dared speak out, saying, "Things aren't getting better; they're getting worse. The king and his court are completely disconnected from reality."

Disconnected from reality? Could it be that what people have only dared whisper all these years is actually true? The king is mad? No. Impossible.

When the king heard of the governor's words, he became worried that his subjects would question the wisdom of this difficult war. He remembered how his loyal subjects rallied around him after that awful surprise attack years before, so he spoke to the people and proclaimed, "We went to war because we were attacked."

A stunned silence fell upon the kingdom.

"Yes we were attacked, but not by the country we went to war with. You said so yourself." That is what everyone thought, but no one had the courage to actually say.

And then a terrible realization struck everyone all at once — it's true, the king is either mad or a simpleton. There was no other explanation for the king's bizarre logic.

Or was there?

You are traveling through another dimension. A dimension not only of sight and sound, but of mind. There's a signpost up ahead. Your next stop — the Twilight Zone.

Posted on 06/19/05 by Rod Serling | Link | Comments?

Yesterday, Senator Richard J. Durbin, a democrat from Illinois, apologized for making the following observation about the treatment of detainees at US prison camps by American interrogators:

If I read this to you and did not tell you that it was an FBI agent describing what Americans had done to prisoners in their control, you would most certainly believe this must have been done by Nazis, Soviets in their gulags, or some mad regime -- Pol Pot or others -- that had no concern for human beings.

Durbin was referring to an email and memo that documented the "torture techniques" at Guantanamo witnessed by an FBI agent.

Durbin's observation is absolutely correct. Chaining prisoners to the floor, in a fetal position, for 24 hours, in extreme temperatures, without food and water, and where they have no choice but to urinate and defecate on themselves — these tactics more closely resemble those of a brutal regime like the ones Durbin cites than the tactics of the American government, which acts in your name and mine.

Durbin's comments caused such a barrage of protests from the White House, republican senators, and others that Durbin backed down somewhat from his charges, claiming he was being critical of the "policies of this administration" and not the soldiers involved in the interrogations. "Our soldiers around the world and their families at home deserve our respect, admiration, and total support."

Yes they do, Senator, but not unconditionally. Not if they brutalize the human beings under their control. When they cross that line, they are war criminals, whether or not they are "only following orders."

Posted on 06/18/05 by Henry David Hernandez | Link | Comments?

The word is out on the street. You don't mess around with the Bush boys. Capisci?

I thought George was the tough guy. Ok, so he gets it in his head that this guy Saddam Hussein tried to pop his dad, and next thing you know — bada-bing bada-boom, he invades the whole friggin country just to get revenge.

You gotta respect that, alright? You always look out for the family, no matter what.

Ok, so George is one mean sonovabitch. But compared to Jeb, George is a pussy.

What Jeb is doing to that Schiavo guy is friggin incredible. I wouldn't have the cogliones to do that to someone who's been through what that poor bastard's been through. Guy's wife goes into a coma, then she's a vegetable for fifteen years, and all he wants is to let her die in peace.

But Jeb and some other politicos want to score some points off her with this "sanctity of life" talk — while we're bombing Fallujah back to the stone age, alright? You gotta love it.

But that's not the good part. So after the poor lady's autopsy, it turns out that no way she was ever going to have any kind of a life like the politicians kept saying. The light was on — a pretty dim one, maybe, but on — but no one was home, alright? So the husband was right all along, and Jeb and the others look like fools.

So what does Jeb do? He gets the state to investigate the guy, like he had something to do with his wife's coma 15 years ago. Believe it? Now that's one cold-hearted bastard. My hat's off to him.

And when Jeb takes over for George, watch out Iraqis. If they give him the kind of crap they're giving his pussy brother, he'll turn the whole place to glass.

You always look out for the family. No matter what.

Posted on 06/17/05 by Michael Corleone | Link | Comments?

The other day I mentioned how tired I am of hand-wringing liberals perpetually whining about the millions of Americans who don't have heath insurance. Possibly 48 million this year? Ok, I can live with that.

It was a relief to be exposed to some sanity on the subject by Jeff Jacoby in today's Boston Globe. Jacoby writes that General Motors is "generous to the point of recklessness" with health benefits for its employees. "[S]uch sweet deals drive up the costof healthcare for everyone." That means higher costs for you and, much more imporantly, for me. Jacoby continues:

When somebody else is picking up the tab, there is little incentive to economize. The price of prescription drugs, hospital stays, and medical procedures has skyrocketed in part because tens of millions of Americans are insured through their employers with low-deductible medical plans...

In no other area do we rely on insurance for routine expenses or repairs. Auto insurance doesn't cover oil changes; no one uses homeowner's insurance to repoint the chimney. That's because most of us pay for those policies ourselves, and therefore get only the insurance we really need -- generally against catastrophic events, like a car being stolen or a house burning down.

Excellent diagnosis, Dr. Jacoby. Cure the nation's health care ills by cutting back everyone's health insurance.

With less insurance for all, we'd be forced to "economize" on personal health care. Many millions of dollars could be saved if people would just stretch out the time between physical exams, blood tests, and other routine diagnostics, just like they stretch out the time between routine oil changes on their cars. Insurance would be reserved for "catastrophic events" like heart bypass surgery, treatment of advanced cancers — as Jacoby says, the medical equivalents of your house burning to the ground.

It works for me. I save maybe $50, $75 a year holding off on oil changes. I just wish I had maintenance insurance on my car that time I blew a rod through my engine block. Ouch, that hurt.

Posted on 06/16/05 by Farleigh B. Fox | Link | Comments?

War is madness.

What a banal thought, yet the very banality of it underscores the madness. How could we have become so comfortable with war?

I don't mean those who actually fight in wars. I mean those of us at home, who are responsible for them.

Chris Hedges, a war correspondent for 20 years, tries to shake us out of our complacency by forcing us look beneath the myths of war and at the dark realities that we would rather not think about. Here is a sample:

The attacks on the World Trade Center illustrate that those who oppose us, rather than coming from another moral universe, have been schooled well in modern warfare...They have mastered the language we have taught them. They understand that the use of indiscriminate violence against innocents is a way to make a statement. We leave the same calling cards. We delivered such incendiary messages in Vietnam, Serbia, Afghanistan and Iraq. It was Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara who in the summer of 1965 defined the bombing raids that would kill hundreds of thousands of civilians north of Saigon as a means of communication to the Communist regime in Hanoi.

Posted on 06/13/05 by Henry David Hernandez | Link | Comments?

Putting political correctness aside, where it belongs, I'm more than a little tired of all the whining about the millions of Americans who don't have health insurance. The numbers are reported like they are rising watermarks on a levee — 35 million, 40 million, 44 million. In 2005 the number may reach 48 million.

My reaction has always been — so what? If people want health insurance, they should go out and buy it. Set priorities, folks. If you want insurance badly enough, you may have to give up something else to get it.

But that isn't going to happen. These people aren't going to willingly jump off the U.S. Gravy Train while they're getting a free ride.

I don't lose any sleep thinking about these 40-odd million people who make no effort to help themseves. But recently I read a couple of articles that made me realize something. All these uninsured people are affecting me.

It may be time to rethink this thing.

Americans are the most caring, compassionate people that have ever graced the earth. When uninsured Americans get sick enough, our compassion won't allow us to just leave them to the fate they deserve. We pick up the tab. How? Higher taxes. Higher premiums for our own insurance. Higher premiums for employer-paid insurance, which translates to higher consumer prices. In 2005, we will pay about $43 billion in these hidden costs.

There's more bad news. The cost of insurance is becoming a major burden to employers. General Motors just announced it will lay off 25,000 workers between now and 2008, and one of the reasons it gave was the rising cost of health insurance. The ripple effect on the economy of major layoffs like these can be substantial.

And if I'm the one getting laid off, or outsourced, or downsized, or off-shored — the effect is catastrophic.

GM spends more money per car on health insurance that it does on steel. That's nuts. Could it be that the whiners are right? Is our health care system far too byzantine, inefficient, out of control? But the alternative, that hulking spectre whose name we dare not speak — s-s-s-s-s-s-socialized m-m-m-m-m-medicine — sounds so, well, un-American. Nowadays we call it single-payer health care, but somehow it doesn't make me feel any better about it.

No. I'm sorry. I'm just not ready to take that leap.

At least, not until they come to take away my health insurance.

Posted on 06/11/05 by Farleigh B. Fox | Link | Comments?

If a tree falls in the forest, but CBS, NBC, ABC, and the major cable news stations aren't there to report it, does it make a sound?

Posted on 06/09/05 by Socrates | Link | Comments?

I'm sure you heard by now that Mrs. Robinson has passed on. She will not be forgotten — not by an entire generation, and certainly not by me.

She accomplished so much in her life, but mostly she will be remembered as the famous older woman who seduced a much younger man. Like she herself said, people just can't seem to get beyond it.

And me? I've come a long way since my "Wood or wire?" days. Good job. (Plastics? I wish.) Comfortable life, three grown kids from two so-so marriages. All in all, very pleasant. No more swinging crosses for me.

I look back on those days with Mrs. Robinson with fondness, but also with great relief that they ended before the risks caught up with me.

So here's to you, Mrs. Robinson, and goodbye. The affair I'm here for now may not be as exciting, but it's also not nearly as frightening.

Posted on 06/07/05 by Benjamin Braddock | Link | Comments?

So, that weasely little turncoat Deep Throat finally crawled out from under his rock. Mark Felt – number two at FBI. Never thought it would be him.

What kind of person jeopardizes his career like that? He knew that if word leaked out he was an informant, his career was over. Who's going to hire him? What was in it for him? How do you trust someone like that?

Good to hear some of the old gang go after this so-called "hero" – Pat, Chuck, even that <expletive-deleted> nut-job Liddy. That's loyalty. Good boys.

But this new guy – Rush Limbaugh – now there's an American hero. Felt, Woodward, Bernstein, and the other America haters – they're the real criminals. Limbaugh nailed it when he said: "Had they not brought down Nixon, we wouldn't have lost Vietnam. Had [they] not brought down Nixon, the Khmer Rouge would not have come to power and murdered two million people in a full-fledged genocide." By God, where was Limbaugh 33 years ago? Sincere megadittos.

I can't help but wonder how things might have been different if Limbaugh and a few others like him had been around back then – real media patriots like O'Reilly, that she-wolf Coulter, bless her, Hannity and Colmes. The banshees in the media wouldn't have dared kick Nixon around anymore, I guarantee it. And then, who knows? Watergate would have remained just a third-rate burglary. Nixon never would have resigned. Vietnam never would have fallen. The dominos never would have . . . well, never mind that.

Posted on 06/05/05 by Richard M. Nixon | Link | Comments?