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I have it on good authority that the following is a verbatim transcript of a conversation that took place between President Bush and the Official White House Nanny in the Oval Office this week:

Nanny: Georgie, Laura told me I should talk to you right away. What's wrong?

POTUS: Nothin's wrong. I decided to declare war on the UN, that's all. But she thinks it's stupid. What — I'm gonna listen to some pot-pusher now? Heh... Don't tell 'er I said that.

Nanny: Georgie, you can't declare war on the UN.

POTUS: Hey, I'm the damn president. See that Presidential Seal on my rug? I can declare war on anyone I want. How's this for a war slogan — You're either with us or you're with the peaceniks.

Nanny: But Georgie, the UN is not even a country. How can you attack something that isn't even there?

POTUS: Terrorism's not a country either. But we've been at war with terrorism for years. Saved my presidency, too. I'm the goddamn War President. Love the way that sounds. Get me Rummy on the phone.

Nanny: Wait — Georgie, tell me what this is about. Why do you want to do this?

POTUS: Because I'm sick of that holier-than-thou Kofi Annan. Hear what he said about us the other day?

Let us be clear: torture can never be an instrument to fight terror, for torture is an instrument of terror.

POTUS: He's calling us terrorists. We're not the terrorists. We're America, for God's sakes. How can we be the terrorists? Gonna kick his ass for saying that. Maybe I'll waterboard the bastard.

Nanny: Georgie, I'm afraid I have to put my foot down on this one. You can't do this.

POTUS: 'Course I can. And I'm gonna start by bombing the damn UN building. Don't tell that tightass Blair, though.

Nanny: You'll do no such thing, Georgie. There are innocent people in that building.

POTUS: Your point being . . .

Nanny: That is my point, Georgie. You may not declare war on the UN and you most certainly may not bomb the UN building. Do you understand me?

POTUS: Ok. Fine. But I'm at least gonna whack that Annan. Get me Tony Soprano on the phone.

Nanny: Georgie, Tony Soprano is just . . . well, all right, you win. But don't do anything until you hear from him, all right?

POTUS: Thanks Nanny. We'll pop him right behind the Bada Bing. Need a night out, anyway. But don't tell Laura . . .