604

In a surprise press conference today, President Bush announced he was suspending all Presidential elections until further notice.

The President, who stood at the podium clutching what appeared to be a bottle inside a brown paper bag, noted that he is a War President, and as such is authorized by the Constitution, the 2002 Congressional resolution on Iraq, and his wife Laura to use any means necessary to defend America, even the suspension of elections.

The president also announced that at 0530 this morning, American troops began Operation Lederhosen — the Invasion of Switzerland. The invasion was deemed necessary under the administration's new policy of Preemptive Preemption (PP). A PP war takes preemptive war one step further — we invade the other country before it even thinks about doing us any harm.

Why Switzerland? "Because they're easy," the president said. "The only weapons their soldiers have are those little red Swiss Army knives. They're no match for our phosphorous bombs, bunker busters, and DU. We'll cream 'em."

At that point, Helen Thomas began to ask a question, but two Secret Service agents immediately grabbed her by each arm, picked her up and carried her out of the room, her little feet kicking away at empty air. No other reporter had a question except a Fox News correspondent, who marveled at how hard it must be to be a War President.

"That's why I have this," said the president, hoisting up the paper bag, and then taking a swig from whatever was inside.

About an hour later, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld announced to the press that he was appointing General Dwight D. Eisenhower to head up military operations in Iraq. "Ike did a brilliant job with D-Day, and if anyone can turn the tide in Iraq, he can."

When a reporter quietly noted that the former World War II hero and 34th President of the United States actually died back in 1969, Rumsfeld looked mildly amused and said, "Do I know Ike's dead? Yes. Do the insurgents know Ike's dead? Maybe not. It's worth a shot."

Meanwhile, Senator Russ Feingold stood up before the full Senate and began to question the legality of President Bush's suspension of elections and the PP war with Switzerland. Just a few words into his stirring oratory, Feingold sneezed. When he opened his eyes again, the Senate chamber was suddenly empty, except for Patrick Lahey and fellow Wisconsin Democrat Herb Kohl, who had not quite finished tiptoeing out of the room.

When Kohl, too, was gone, Feingold looked at Lahey in bewilderment. At that moment, VP Dick Cheney entered the chamber and assured Feingold that the other Senators didn't abandon him. They simply retired to their comfortable offices to watch Feingold speak on closed-circuit TV. Cheney told Feingold to continue speaking into the microphone Cheney was holding.

"That's no microphone," Feingold said. "Th-th-that's a gun."

"Vaffanculo," said Cheney, and shot Feingold in the face.

Moments later, in the Capitol Rotunda, reporters spied Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice leaning against the marble statue of Abraham Lincoln with one hand and wiping the Congressional dust off of her Gucci shoes with the other — dust that was kicked up as Democratic Senators and Representatives were scurrying for the nearest exits, lest reporters ask them their take on the day's events.

Rice was asked her opinion of the new Amnesty for Illegals law, which awarded legal status to the estimated 11 million illegal immigrants in the United States. "It's good for America," Rice said. "These people do the jobs Americans don't want to do. And their children will do the jobs American kids don't want to do — fight our PP wars."

Meanwhile, the poll-takers were already quizzing ordinary Americans on their views of the day's events. When asked whether they approved or disapproved of the administration's performance, based on Operation Lederhosen, the suspension of elections, and other news of the day, 43% of Americans said they approved, 41% said they disapproved, and the rest thought they were being auditioned for an upcoming Apprentice.

At sunset, President Bush was relaxing on the South Lawn of the White House, taking an occasional swig from the contents of the brown paper bag, and humming old Barry Manilow songs. Helen Thomas, who was being escorted off the property by the Secret Service, saw the president and shouted out to him, "Mr. President, just one question. What does a president have to do to get impeached these days?"

The president smiled, rose unsteadily, and motioned for the agents to take Thomas to him. Then he said:

There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again.

Says who?