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I am so humbled. Yesterday, miraculously, God appeared before me in the White House Rose Garden, in the form of a burning shrub. I was dumbstruck. I fell trembling to my knees. I couldn't speak. But God took mercy on me. He spoke soothingly, calming me down with a few amusing jokes about Ted Kennedy's boozing and Hillary Clinton's ass. I knew it — God is a Republican.

God told me He knew I've been filled with self-doubt lately about the things I've helped the administration bring about. But he assured me I had absolutely nothing to regret. I told Him I wished I had a tape recorder, because no one was going to believe God told me this, when poof, I suddenly found myself holding one. A Sony.

So here is the Word of God, as told to a humbled Karl Rove:

God: Ask me anything, Karl. But be brief. I have a smiting at 10.

A Humbled Karl Rove: Oh Lord, I have to know — were we correct to invade Iraq?

God: Yes, my son. The evil one, Saddam Hussein, helped Osama bin Laden plan 9/11, just as you suspected.

A Humbled Karl Rove: Forgive me, Lord, but no one has ever found a link between Saddam and bin Laden. If we only had some evidence —

God: Evidence? Evidence? I'm fucking God, idiot, and I'm telling you it's so. That isn't enough evidence for you?

A Humbled Karl Rove: Yes-yes-yes-yes-yes — forgive me, Lord. But how...how do we answer people who say we have killed so many innocent people in Iraq, and that killing violates one of God's commandments?

God: That Moses. What a klutz. That particular commandment had a list of exceptions to it that I wrote on another tablet — a sort of signing statement, if you will. But Moses-the-klutz dropped the damn thing and broke it. Shame — that commandment has been so misunderstood over the centuries. Don't worry, you're covered.

A Humbled Karl Rove: Oh, thank you, thank you, Lord. That makes me feel so much better.

God: Yes, yes. Tick-tick-tick, Karl. Anything else?

A Humbled Karl Rove: Just one more, Lord. How can I guarantee that the Republicans win an overwhelming majority of seats in Congress this November?

God: You shitting me? Just play them this tape. You think anyone in America will vote for Democrats once they hear God Almighty telling them to vote Republican?

A Humbled Karl Rove: But...

God: Yo! America. Listen up. This is God speaking. Vote Republican this November if you know what's good for you. That should do it, Karl. Look, gotta run. Keep up the good work, my son. And please tell George I'll be in touch. I so enjoy our chats.

And then He was gone. And the flame had not so much as singed a single needle on the shrub. A miracle.

A miracle that I have solid evidence of. At least I did, until my cassette player malfunctioned and chewed the tape to pieces right after I transcribed it. But so what? I still have the transcription, and just in time for election season, too.