Discover Your True Political Self

Published October 18, 1992 in North Shore Sunday.

For too many politicians, the great trick of democracy is in persuading a majority of the people to vote against their own best interests.  So, to make sure that we vote for and not against our best interests in November's presidential election, I've devised a survey, Cosmopolitan-style, to help us get in touch with our most intimate political desires.

The rules are simple.  For each question, circle the number of the response that best matches your gut feeling.  When you finish, add up the circled numbers, and your dream candidate will be a mystery no more.  Ready?  Begin...

If you were elected president, your first act would be to

1.   Raise taxes to eliminate the deficit.

2.   Lower the capital gains tax to eliminate the deficit.

3.   Practice saying with a straight face, "...but Congress wouldn't let me eliminate the deficit."

Our best hope for a better life is to put our faith in

1.   Big government.

2.   Big business.

3.   The people who make beer commercials.

What economic state do you expect to be in next year?

1.   The same state.

2.   A very wealthy state.

3.   Ohio.

How do you like to relax?

1.   With a good stiff drink and a cigarette.

2.   With a few sips of Perrier and a nicotine patch.

3.   With good food, which you chew but don't swallow.

The worst thing a president can do is

1.   Raise taxes.

2.   Lie about raising taxes.

3.   Tell the truth about raising taxes.

What is your advice to the 35.7 million people living in poverty in America?

1.   Go get jobs you lazy bums.

2.   Please hide the Dom Perignon under the bread and milk when paying for your groceries with food stamps.

3.   Trick question.  The greatest country the world has ever known can't possibly have 35 million poor people.

What is our country's biggest problem?

1.   Unemployment.

2.   The capital gains tax.

3.   Rush Limbaugh.

You see a homeless woman living out of a shopping cart.  What do you do?

1.   Give her the names of some government agencies that help people in her position.

2.   Rhapsodize about the thousand points of light that help people in her position.

3.   Consider the above two answers and thank God you're not in her position.

What is your favorite TV image?

1.   Donna Reed at home making cookies.

2.   Murphy Brown making it without a man.

3.   Vanna White clapping and making millions.

Who or what was responsible for the breakup of the USSR?

1.   Reagan/Bush.

2.   Franklin D. Roosevelt.

3.   Al Bundy's socks.

Archie Bunker was

1.   A bigot.

2.   Ahead of his time.

3.   Dan Quayle's favorite uncle.

Family values are best demonstrated by

1.   Woody Allen and Mia Farrow.

2.   A two-paycheck family with 2.3 blond children who eat and sleep Republicanism and keep their mouths shut.

3.   Department store ads.

Would you rather

1.   Earn higher wages but pay higher taxes.

2.   Earn lower wages but pay lower taxes.

3.   Go fishing.

Finish this phrase – "A fool and his money are..."

1.   Soon taxed.

2.   Soon to be a major motion picture.

3.   A politician's dream.

If you witnessed an accident and saw an injured person lying on the street, would you

1.   Call for help.

2.   Call for an immediate reduction in the capital gains tax.

3.   Call a press conference to say you are against injuries to Americans.

That's the end of the survey.  Are your responses tallied?  Here's how to interpret the results.

How you answered the questions has no more significance than all the hot air let loose at this summer's political conventions – and I'm not just talking about the balloons.  But, if you paid some lackey to add up the numbers for you – while you quaffed down some fine cognac, put your feet up, and perused your capital gains in the Wall Street Journal – you are definitely a George Bush supporter.  On the other hand, if money is tight and you had to add up the numbers for yourself (while chugging down some Old Grandad and worrying about losing your job), Bill Clinton is the man for you.  And if you added up the numbers three times and came up with three different answers, please find some other election to vote in.