Catching Up to the West

Published October 13, 1991 in North Shore Sunday.

What's the difference between Michael Dukakis and Boris Yeltsin?  Dukakis took a ride in a tank, and Yeltsin took a stand on one.

That's all very well, but if the Soviets are going to be a free people with a healthy economy, they have a lot to learn.

For instance, that free people like nothing more than conforming, and spending lots of money doing it.

So my advice to leaders Yeltsin and Mikhail Gorbachev is this – forget about five-year plans, controlled economies and the occasional requisite blood purge.  You want to stock your nation's shelves with material goodies, then give your people something to work for  –  let them have fads.

Yes, fads.  Nonsensical gadgets and carefully planned personal "looks" that no sane person would buy, except that all the right people have already bought them  –  the kinds of things people buy because, well, everybody's got one.  And believe me, Gorby and Borskie, when everybody's buying, the economy gets better real quick.

But fads are mindless and shallow, you say?  Chill out, comrades.  You keep taking stands on tanks and one day someone's gonna shoot you down.  You want the economy to take a joyride, you gotta ride along with it  –  even if it means diving into the tank now and then.

Fashion fads alone generate big metoo-dollars (the fad equivalent of petro-dollars).  Who cares why women try to look like Bill (the Refrigerator) Perry by stuffing shoulder pads under their dresses.  What matters is they buy them in bigger quantities than the NFL. (By the way, find out who sold women on shoulder pads and you've found someone to convince Menachem Begin and Yasir Arafat to sit and chat.)

And how about the popular ladies' suit/sneaker/sweatsock ensemble.  This fetching outfit is preferred by the professional woman who wants to retain her competitive edge yet project that endearing feminine jock look.  And if you can get them to buy pumps, Mikey, now you're really talking dough.

My favorite fashion fad is the saddlebag.  This is a small pouch attached to a belt wrapped snugly around the waist, taking the place of a lady's purse.

Given that humans  –  physically, at least  –  are multi-dimensional, the saddlebag can be worn several ways, depending upon the look the woman wants to project:

Kangaroo look  –  Worn in front, roughly over the belly button.  But worn this way, the saddlebag makes a woman look like she has a large paunch or is a little pregnant.

To avoid this effect, some women wear the bag a little lower over a place  –  well, let's just say "below the belt."  Because these bags fit snugly and don't flop around like a purse, the bag and its strap slung down from the waist look for all the world like an external truss.  I'd like to hear what Freud would say about this look.  On the other hand, wearing the bag like this presents a ticklish problem for pickpockets.

Gunfighter look  –  Worn on the hip, looking like a holster.  Seems a practical way to wear the saddlebag, but I wonder if women are tempted to face off in department stores, seeing who can whip out their credit cards faster.

Caboose look  –  Worn in the back and called fanny packs.  This look looks the silliest, but it does prove useful if Mike Tyson is around.

If you're thinking, Yeltsie, that women are bigger fashion faddists than men, you're right.

Except when it comes to caps.

Young American men just love wearing caps.  Makes 'em look  –  you know, proper.  Kids wear their caps everywhere.  When they're driving they wear them backwards.  They wear them cocked if they're feeling really rebellious.

Of course, being a rebel and being fashion's fool constitutes a serious contradiction in terms.  But  –  and mark this carefully, my post-communist friends  –  the irony is lost on a country where mass-market ads can sell kazillions of fast-food hamburgers by imploring kids, with a straight face, "Sometimes you just gotta break the rules."  And don't let that kind of talk scare you.  We're not talking "Give me liberty or give me death," here.  We're talking "Give me that with pickles and ketchup" or "No onions, please."

Well, MG and BY, gotta go.  Gonna put on my electric yellow sunglasses and go install my phosphorescent green auto antenna next to my hot pink windshield wipers.  Just doing my part to get my economy going.  Besides  –  radical cool, dude.