Minority Report, the Sequel

Published Jaunuary 3, 2003 in North Shore Sunday.

It sounds like something right out of the movie Minority Report.

The Homeland Security Act of 2002 provides for the creation of an ultra-top-secret agency called the Ministry of Pre-Emption.  It consists of very special people, called Pre-Cogs, who can look into the future and “see” when a person or group or an entire country is about to harm homeland America – before it actually happens. This allows us to destroy the pre-perpetrators before they carry out their evil plan.

The first threat the Pre-Cogs saw was from Iraq.  It happened like this:

Three Pre-Cogs are floating in a round pool of murky water – eyes closed, perfectly still. Their toes are almost touching in the center of the pool, and from above, the position of their bodies suggests a star.

The Chief of Pre-Emption – President Bush – stands before a long panel of high-tech wizardry, complete with bells and whistles and blinking lights. The Chief Pre-Emp is slowly, rhythmically waving his arms like the conductor of an ominous-sounding symphony.

Suddenly there are ripples in the water around Pre-Cog Donald, and then a metal ball rolls down a steel track. The Chief Pre-Emp picks up the ball and reads from it silently, “We must have a regime change in Iraq.  Saddam is Evil, and we are Good.”

The Chief Pre-Emp turns to his aides and announces, “We must have a regime change in Iraq.  Saddam is Evil, and we are Good.  Make it so.  I’m late for my nap.”

“But sir, George Tenet has said that Saddam poses no threat to us unless we attack him first.”

The Chief Pre-Emp sneers.  “The CIA director?  What does he know?  Our proof is right there,” he insists, pointing to the Pre-Cogs.

At that moment, Pre-Cog Condi twitches, and another metal ball clacks down the track. The Chief Pre-Emp takes the ball and reads aloud, “Don’t let the smoking gun be a mushroom cloud.”  As awe-struck as a valley girl, he turns to the aide.  “Like, hello… What more evidence do you need?” 

The Chief Pre-Emp turns back to the pool.  “What do you say, Cheney?”  Pre-Cog Dick grimaces, another ball rolls, and the Chief Pre-Emp reads, “Reply Hazy, Try Again.”

The Chief Pre-Emp looks up, confused. An aide whispers in his ear, “Sir, Pre-Cog Dick is playing with the Magic 8-Ball again.”

“Never mind.  Saddam is Evil, and we are Good.  Let’s take ‘em out.”

But another aide dares speak out: “Sir, North Korea is much more of a threat.  They are breaking into vaults of nuclear fuel rods, which they can use to make nuclear weapons.  They are also bypassing monitoring systems, throwing UN inspectors out of the country, bringing banned weapons into the DMZ, and threatening to blow up the entire Earth.  Sir, they’re doing everything but jumping up and down and making funny faces at us.”

Through an angry stare, the Chief Pre-Emp spits out, “Saddam is Evil, and we are Good.  Just do it.”

A third aide clears his throat nervously.  “Sir, there are pre-war protests all over the country.  100,000 protesters in DC alone, and more in New York, Chicago, Houston, Seattle, Boston, and other places, too. They claim attacking Iraq without justification is immoral.”

The Chief Pre-Emp finds this amusing. “Immoral!  How can it be immoral?  Saddam is Evil, and we are Good. Right, Pre-Cog Donald?”

Without breaking out of his trance, Pre-Cog Donald flashes the Chief Pre-Emp a reassuring thumbs-up.

The Chief Pre-Emp continues, “Besides, no one pays attention to protesters. Probably just a bunch of leftover hippies from the 60s and their spaced-out kids.”

But the aide persists: “Sir, remember Lyndon Johnson. ‘I shall not seek, and I will not accept…’ ”

The Chief Pre-Emp can’t believe his ears.  “Are you saying these protesters are a threat?  To me?  If they’re a threat to me, they’re a threat to all America.  Either you are with us, or you are with the terrorists!” He turns to the Pre-Cogs.  “These protesters hate our freedoms.  They are evil.   Shouldn’t we do something about them?”

Pre-Cog Dick stirs the murky water around him, and a ball rolls down the track.  The Chief Pre-Emp picks up the ball and reads, “It Is Decidedly So.”