King of the Welfare Queens

Published October 8, 1995 in North Shore Sunday.

She rolls into the Shaws parking lot in her new Caddy, sporting Armani jeans, a Louis jersey and her weekday mink. 

As she slides out of the sleek black limo and walks towards the store, her Gucci boots clacking on the blacktop, you can't help but watch, awed by the audacious sparkle of her bracelets and chains.

You wonder – Rock star? Lottery winner?  An OJ lawyer's wife?

None of the above.  She's that favorite villain of radio talk shows and bitter conversations everywhere  –  the hated Massachusetts Welfare Queen. 

Of course, no matter how many honest-to-god sightings of her you hear about, like Bigfoot, the Loch Ness monster and Elvis, this lady just doesn't exist.

Why does this imaginary character rankle us so, but not the real-life, flesh-and-bloodless corporate equivalent?  Why, in fact, do we defend corporate welfare, insisting that the more tribute we pay our corporate fiefdoms, the more scraps will trickle down to the rest of us? 

Just look at the giant Raytheon, bullying and whining for millions in state tax breaks.  Their demands have been called a "hold up" and "protection money."  And some state politicians have questioned the fairness of giving a tax break only to Raytheon.

What's the result of all this tough talk?  A call for the end of corporate welfare as we know it?  Not in my lifetime. 

Rather than turn down Raytheon, there's a plan to give a $160 million tax break to all manufacturers.  Our courageous pols can't be accused of playing favorites.

It's not the bullying and caving in that surprises me.  Corporations have us by the paystubs and they know it.

What surprises me is that so few people are protesting.  Let someone pay for a jar of Cheez Whiz with food stamps and the talk radio phone lines sizzle for days.  But let a corporation that repeatedly posts record-breaking profits whine about needing tax relief and people just shrug and accept it.

Unlike Elvis, Trickle Down lives.

Is Raytheon the real state Welfare Queen?  Consider that this crybaby corporation rings up $12 billion a year in sales.  That its CEO was paid more in a year than a good many people make in a lifetime.  That it just bought out another defense contractor for $2.3 billion  –  that's billion, as in big bucks, baby.  That's a lot of Cheez Whiz.

And this corporation wants welfare, and wants you to subsidize it.  And you will.  And like it.  Because as all true Trickle Downers know, What's Good For The Trickler Is Good For The Tricklee.

Let's test that.  The Boston Globe recently reported that the average rate of profit for nonfarm businesses has almost doubled since 1979  –  the eve of the Reagan Revolution and Trickle Down.  That's good news for tricklers.  But unfortunately for us tricklees, average wages have actually been falling.  Hmmm, so exactly where has all that trickle been trickling to? 

There's another side to Trickle Down no one talks about.  It's called Trickle Up.  It means that if us little folks stop spending money on the goods and services businesses provide  –  or don't spend enough because not enough has trickled down  –  there soon won't be anything trickling up or down.  So it seems we serfs of the corporate fiefdoms have a little power, too.

I have a plan.  Let's find some of the most compulsive spenders in the state.  Real salesmen's dreams  –  people who, when they sneeze, businesses all over the state say "Bless you and get well soon."

These super consumers will go to the state and demand tax relief.  And if they don't get it, they'll just have to do their spending in New Hampshire.

As with Raytheon, the state will soon cave in.  Then the rest of us will start whining, "Well if they can do it, and Raytheon can do it, why can't we do it?"  Got'cha.

Soon we'll all be on some form of welfare.  Everyone, that is, except the people who really need it.  Because if there's one thing both tricklers and tricklees agree on, it's that  –  hey, the welfare system in this country is just getting out of hand.